Bruise Runs Deeper Than I Thought
What a weird day. If you know me pretty well, you know that I'm pretty even keel and more often than not, I'm in a great mood. I find joy in the sun, the clouds, the rain, the snow...I find joy in every bit of nature. Let me rephrase that. I find joy in every bit of nature except one. I'm not a big fan of hawks.
You heard me. I said it. I am not a big fan of hawks. It's not every day that you find someone who has an opinion on the bird, and when you do, rarely is it as negative as mine. Please understand though, a hawk ruined my day today...
It all started walking back from the administration building at ND. I was walking past the library, looking at some loud bird, when all of a sudden....
[WOOSH...BAM!!]
A hawk came from out of nowhere and planted itself full steam right on this smaller bird. It was an awesome site, really. That's not where my problem arises. It's when I remember the last time I saw a hawk catch its prey. You see, the last time that happened, I knew what to do. I picked up my cell phone and called my dad. He would understand my mix of horrified excitement, and he did!
So as I saw this scene take place again, I reached for my cell phone and looked for the number. I kept looking for it until I took a second to realize the name 'Dad' should fall between Corey and Dale, and it wasn't there. Okay, thanks a bunch, day ruined. Look, I know I could have handled the rest of the day differently. I know I have a choice on how to react to certain things. But looking back, I should have just gone to my apartment and gone to sleep, because everything that took place from then until now reminded me of something I miss about Dad, and every reaction I had pushed me farther away from certain people I don't want to be all that far from.
I don't need to go into the details of all that happened. If you heard, you'd tell me I was overreacting, and you'd be right. But I didn't know how to handle myself today. I was an emotional wreck that didn't get emotional. I was a bawling baby whose eyes stayed dry. I don't know where to draw the line with this whole thing. I want my friends to know why I'm acting a fool, but I don't want to kill a time for all. Nor do I really want to get anywhere close to emotional with a few of them.
I understand my peace is found in Christ alone, and I'm comforted about my dad's continued life with Him, but I still have my days...The days when Mr. Happy isn't really...The days when I really don't know how to act.
Have fun commenting on this one,
Ticked at any football fans from Seattle, hockey fans from Chicago, or basketball fans from Atlanta,
Bobby
You heard me. I said it. I am not a big fan of hawks. It's not every day that you find someone who has an opinion on the bird, and when you do, rarely is it as negative as mine. Please understand though, a hawk ruined my day today...
It all started walking back from the administration building at ND. I was walking past the library, looking at some loud bird, when all of a sudden....
[WOOSH...BAM!!]
A hawk came from out of nowhere and planted itself full steam right on this smaller bird. It was an awesome site, really. That's not where my problem arises. It's when I remember the last time I saw a hawk catch its prey. You see, the last time that happened, I knew what to do. I picked up my cell phone and called my dad. He would understand my mix of horrified excitement, and he did!
So as I saw this scene take place again, I reached for my cell phone and looked for the number. I kept looking for it until I took a second to realize the name 'Dad' should fall between Corey and Dale, and it wasn't there. Okay, thanks a bunch, day ruined. Look, I know I could have handled the rest of the day differently. I know I have a choice on how to react to certain things. But looking back, I should have just gone to my apartment and gone to sleep, because everything that took place from then until now reminded me of something I miss about Dad, and every reaction I had pushed me farther away from certain people I don't want to be all that far from.
I don't need to go into the details of all that happened. If you heard, you'd tell me I was overreacting, and you'd be right. But I didn't know how to handle myself today. I was an emotional wreck that didn't get emotional. I was a bawling baby whose eyes stayed dry. I don't know where to draw the line with this whole thing. I want my friends to know why I'm acting a fool, but I don't want to kill a time for all. Nor do I really want to get anywhere close to emotional with a few of them.
I understand my peace is found in Christ alone, and I'm comforted about my dad's continued life with Him, but I still have my days...The days when Mr. Happy isn't really...The days when I really don't know how to act.
Have fun commenting on this one,
Ticked at any football fans from Seattle, hockey fans from Chicago, or basketball fans from Atlanta,
Bobby
posted by Bobby at 10:57 PM
3 Comments:
Yeah, what Suz said... No apologies needed and no damage done. You have a right to not always be the strong one. Use your friends for some 'leaning on' every now and then!
Hey, guy, guess what? We miss the big guy, too. Your "little" cousin--who is driving now!!--told me on the way home today that your mom told her that your dad's advice when teaching you all to drive was to "consider everyone else on the road an idiot." Besides being great advice, it was a reminder of your dad's wisdom and humor. You're not abnormal in any way for missing him!! and I agree with Suz--stoopid hawk.
Bobby-
I ran across your blog on your facebook site a while ago, and occasionally check in and read it (and am always impressed!) On this one I thought I'd share my story.
My Dad passed away unexpectedly the summer after freshmen year, and three years and a half years later, I still find myself upset at the oddest time. When I hear a song on the radio, seeing something I normally would have shared with him, etc. There are of course the days you are upset with “good reason,” like Christmas, his birthday, your birthday and the other "big" days - like weddings (my Mom walked me down the aisle at my wedding and we both bawled the entire way down). Everyone seems to understand why you are upset on the big days and sympathize, but it seems they don't get that sometimes the everyday moments are the hardest.
I too found myself keeping it inside because if I said anything, my caring and wonderful friends overreact. Sometimes I just wanted to share a moment and move on. It didn’t get better for me until I sat down with one of them (he is my husband now!) and explained that sometimes I just want to talk for fifteen minutes and be upset – but he couldn’t get upset with me, because after my time was up he needed to remind me that my Dad didn’t want me to live life like that.
I haven’t found anything that makes the loss of my Dad any easier to handle or easier to accept (if you know the secret please share!), but now that I am talking about the little things more, I am allowing myself to heal. As hard as it is to share the small moments with people, let yourself! You are going to be upset, and your friends are the people who will be there for you.
Alexis (Miller) Cass
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